My wish to have and to raise a child has been there for more than 20 years. At the time that I had given up I would ever be a father suddenly in 2003 a good friend of us told us that her sister and her sister's (female) partner were searching for a gay man or couple to have a child together. On this page I am going to keep you informed about what is happening in the process which I hope will bring the four of us a baby.
July 2003 : The news
During a picknick, which was organised by some mutual friends of us, our friend dropped the word to me that her sister and her sister's partner were looking for a gay man or couple to have a baby together. At that moment it just looked as just a simple remark she made and I didn't react. But she made me think about it and I discussed it with Richard. We both came to the conclusion that this was what we wanted, but at the same time a lot of questions popped up. Like:
* First of all: Can I actually make children, meaning: are my little swimmers alive and kicking?
* I want to be the father and can Richard agree with that? (He did)
* Will we like the mothers to be? I knew one of them who studied at the same polytechnic and I like her, but how about her partner?
* What kind of agreement do the girls want? Can I see the kid(s) and how often?
* What kind of influence will being a father have on Richard's and my life?
* But what if we don't come to an agreement with the girls? Can I handle the disappointment of not becoming a father after all?
* Do the girls smoke? I wouldn't like a kid of mine having mothers who are polluting his or her enviroment.
* Will my age matter to them?
But also all those questions I have been thinking about all those years like:
* How can I raise a child to become a loving and caring person?
* I have all those ideas about learning my child about music, art, books etc, but will my kid appreciate that?
Next time we met with our friends, during another picknick, I carefully asked our friend if her sister was still looking for a father. My friend was glad that I brought up the subject because she had hoped I would. I gave her permission to give our telephone number to the girls and soon after the picknick L. called us and we made an appointment to meet and get acquinted. After this first step Richard and I decided not to tell anyone about our plans. But we were so exited about the whole idea that we couldn't keep it to ourselves. Later we heard the girls had the same idea and had also told others about the plans.
Our first meeting
We met in a busy and popular restaurant in Rotterdam, Bazar. This was the first time I would see A., my friend's sister. I already had met L. and I thought she was a very nice person. She was studying at the Polytechnic (Hogeschool Rotterdam) at the same time as I was. I was nervous about seeing A. for the first time, because I was afraid that my first impression wouldn't be positive. Well, it was positive. Even when I saw her from a distance, entering the restaurant where Richard and I were waiting, she had a very pleasant and kind expression. First we talked about a lot of things except about children. Just getting to know each other. When we were finally talking about having a baby it came to me as a surprise that the girls want more than one baby from the same father. In all those years of thinking about becoming a dad I had always been fantasising about one child and not more, so this came as a surprise to me. But no harm done, all four of us were satisfied with this first meeting. I already had some questions answered. My age was not important to them. They don't smoke (which would have been an absolute "no" from my side).
Meanwhile we have met each other a couple of times and we get more and more aquinted with each other. I think it's very strange to realise that we will be in contact with the women we have met for the near (and further) future. Also having a child (or more) will mean things for Richard and me too. It won't be easy, for instance, to move to another city or country, because that has effect on others too.
Plans have grown. One of the most important decisions is that the four of us have decided to move our scheme forward and have the child(ren) earlier than planned before. No, "we"'re not pregnant yet. At the end of february we have decided to really get together now and talk more serious about our plans. New questions emerge now. I sometimes think how it will be like for the kids to have an older father. I'm 46 now. But on the other hand I act a lot younger than most people my age. Will Richard and I have a chance to pick names together with the girls? The last few days I have seen some names that I like and have made notes.
We're really getting closer to having a baby now. The (first) mother to be has heard her job will be continued which makes it easier for them to plan a child. She and I are going to have our blood tested. She's already taking her temperature to see what's the best time to "make" the baby. I get a lot of questions from people these days how they are actually gonna get pregnant. The girls want to bring in my sperm themselves, because when you get "the job" done by a hospital it's quite expensive and when they will do it theirselves it can be some romantic thing for them. I hope to include Richard in ...ummm... collecting the sperm (which shouldn't be a problem, I think) so this will be a thing of the two of us together too. Sperm stays alive only for a short while after you have come, so I have to be nearby. The girls have read it's good to keep the sperm warm in your trouserpocket; I had heard about keeping it under your armpit. In a bottle ofcourse, otherwise it can be very sticky. LOL.
The question about names (see March) is answered. We're all four of us looking for names. Sometimes this get us laughing out loud. Names of (some) colleagues and ex-lovers are out of the question. Also names we can make funny rhymes to are not chosen. But still there are a couple of names we all like. And I'm not gonna tell you which names!
First the girls are getting married in september and at their weddingparty I will be the DJ. I'm already looking for nice records to play. I'm not a real DJ but I think I know what most people like.
August 2004 : The Aids-test
A. and I have both had an Aids-test. Though I thought it was impossible for me to be infected, I still was very nervous. Gladly we were both HIV-negative. I have bought some more boxer shorts and started to wear them. It is supposed to be better to wear boxer shorts to stimulate the circulation around the testicles. The girls have found a sort of hypodermic with which they can bring the sperm into the vagina.
I'm beginning to get nervous about playing records at the wedding party.
September 2004 : The wedding
In the beginning of September A. and L. were married. It was a lovely day and all went well. Also me being a DJ.
The women went on their honeymoon. Richard and I took a holiday to Castelldefels in Spain and discovered that the beach there is perfect to spend some weeks on with children.
November 2004 : The sad news
In november Richard and I went to pay a visit to the women at their house, presuming we would talk there about how to arrange everything and finally set a date to do the conception. But that's not what happened. The women wanted to stop the project. When we first met they had the idea that they wanted a father for their child who they knew and the child would know who his/her father was. The father would be there at birthdays or so. Richard and I knew their wish and we agreed with it. When the four of us started talking about the whole idea they realised that we also had wishes and feelings (not demands!) about the child, which made them change their plans. After their marriage they both realised that how far we were now was not what they wanted in the first place. Also they hadn't realised that I would have fatherly feelings. Furthermore the first mother to be was afraid her partner would be jealous of me, being the father of the child.
I was shocked and cried all the way home. Now - december 2004 - I have mixed feelings. I sort of understand that the women didn't mean bad, but for me the child was already there. I had a future planned for me which included a child. I now have the feeling they have had an abortion and the feeling I had the first couple of weeks was a feeling of mourning. Considering my age this was probably my last chance to be a father....
I have received an e-mail from a friendly lesbian woman here in the Netherlands, asking us if we were still interested to be fathers, because she was looking for a father for her child. After some time of consideration I decided that this was too early after the story mentioned above; I have been hurt too much. Also this woman is living on quite a distance from us, which to me is also a problem.